Why do we serve? Why do you lead? 

So many unanswered questions permeate my life as an officer-to-be (someone who has progressed a considerable deal since the early, immature days as just an officer cadet) and the feeble attempts at finding resolutions to these conundrums only seem to highlight the conflicting nature of what is to come. Let's not be bothered with the trivial dilemma of opting to become a unit PC versus settling (and I hope I use this word with the right connotation) as an OCS instructor; I don't need to dig deep to find this unsettling feeling vying to make known its presence: Am I truly ready to embrace the sacred privilege, and more importantly, immense responsibility that is tied with officership.

It is almost too unreal to admit that I am less than 2 months away from donning the pristine white uniform and executing the slow march in unison with my fellow comrades whom I have braved thick and thin (well mostly thick and thicker) with through the past 9 arduous, dreary months. Yet the bigger and more pertinent question remains: Am I fit and ready to don the one black bar upon my shoulders and my chest? More appropriately, will I be mature and skilled enough to lead the lives of 30 men under me or display the necessary aptitude and character as a gatekeeper of the officer corp? These are questions that I don't expect a negative response to; yet the conviction in delivering an affirmative reply is still not instinctive.

It might be outrageous and blasphemous to say that I wouldn't mind staying as a cadet for a couple more months simply because the responsibility of being an officer could come almost as a complete burden at the start. The glory and prestige is true, but so are the untold stories of officers failing to live up to the expectations of their rank. People look up to us not because of what we wear, but because of who we are. It is the individual personality and actions of officers that shape the corp and I want to be confident that as a newly commissioned individual in this organization, I can actively and constructively contribute to the image that we officers embody and protect. It is going to be difficult without the guidance of superiors or instructors but I guess the whole point of me signing up for this is to grow up, even if it means learning on the job in the face of challenges; in the face of 30 lives in your two hands.

I am most certainly not questioning my ability and capacity as an officer-to-be (at least not at this crucial juncture). I just find it apt to break down officership in a different light. To put things into perspective, above all the nobility and ostensible awe associated with being commissioned, when the president indirectly pins the bar on us, be it instructors, staff officers are platoon commanders, we are all bestowed with the common gift and responsibility--to protect the sovereignty of our nation and the livelihood of our people, our friends, our family; and to protect these selflessly with our lives.

So the question is not whether as an officer cadet, have I learned enough about planning or effective command and control. The real deal is as such: when push comes to shove, can I place others above myself and give the only thing that matters for everything else that won't if I choose to be selfish.

The answer isn't clear yet, but it will be by 17 January, that I assure you. Officer's honour.