Said, no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars

2013 was a year of joy and receiving; 2013 was a year of melancholy and giving. It was a time used for making merry; it was a time used for making amends. There were days of immaculate purity, the radiant sunshine reflecting off our smiles; there were days of frozen solemnity, left in silence and somber reflection. There was something new in every direction; there was something old in any direction. There was a crack of laughter and the sound of vanity; there was a crack of thunder and the sound of misery.

It was quite literally so that it was the best of times; it was the worst of times.

But I've been thinking, and always have, about the wrong things. There are always two faces to a coin but nobody ever said you had to look at both. In fact, with our eyes that are only human, we can at best register the image of one side of a coin, whilst the memory of the other is cast aside in some unlit corner of our mind, overshadowed by unprecedented fears and instances of paranoia or just pure wishful thinking. Clearly (and almost literally), all that I needed to do was to clear my mind of irrelevant thoughts that taint the purity of memories that are meant to instill happiness and elation. Perhaps it is time to count my blessings.

I guess I can be thankful for many things if I just take a step back and reconsider how the past year or two have unfolded. The very fact that these words are being forged onto a blank canvas via digital ink is a testament to my most fundamental fortune of being alive and kicking. But 18 years and counting, that hasn't been much of a pleasant blessing and I have no deliberations in taking my life for granted. After all, in taking simple pleasures in being alive, we are merely degrading our lives to the point of life and death. The question of physical existence should not be the focal point of our living for it breaches the notion of establishing a life of quality. Still, there are other things that I ought to be thankful for.

I can be grateful to be able to grasp the world albeit not in its entire entity. Notwithstanding the fact that I am color-blind, I still retain the ability to hold the world but as the world and that is perhaps no more than I can ask for. The word 'color' has never been anymore integral or life-changing than in the context of being 'color-blind' for its absence might indicate a completely different life for myself. I am thankful to be able to witness the miracles in life and at the same time, cringe at the sight of inhumane and unearthly actions. I always imagine that every human being has to be diagnose (or in God's eyes, assigned) a set number of ailments/disabilities and the fact that I have been "gifted" with that of 'color-blindness' means that I am spared from something else that could be far worse. What's not being able to see a few colors as opposed to not seeing at all?

And maybe I can be grateful for having a family, even though I would give almost anything to uproot my life here and leave for (hopefully) greener pastures. As much as I hate being at home, having a family still leaves behind some sort of unspoken security--financially and socially. I guess it would be really different to grow up with no family at all even if it means growing up in a family you always felt you never belonged in. It is better to grasp the pain and loss in having one's leg amputated than to be born an inanimate object with none to speak of. Some might argue that there is no pain in not having something since you can never lose it, but having something that can be lost (or might already be lost) just makes it all the more precious and worth protecting. Ultimately, anything that can be taken away from us should not be taken granted (but is of course often done so) and being endowed with elements that shouldn't be taken for granted is in itself a fortune and blessing (regardless of whether we actually acknowledge their importance and rarity). By extension of logic, having my family in itself is good enough to be counted as a blessing.

Or even the fact that the pursuit of veterinary science after being born in an urbanized city like Singapore is a heavily blight prospect might be faintly considered as a blessing. For one, at least I know what I want to be when I grow up. Although that also means that there is a high chance of not fulfilling such a lifelong ambition, it might already be in my fortune to know what I love to do and to know that I want to do what I love to do.

Maybe these are just worthless consolations in a bid to fight off my incessant need to focus on what has gone wrong and what hasn't been right. But who's to say such a pessimistic mentality would bring about optimal outcomes? As long as we are counting the fallen stars with the intention of restoring their glorious position in the sky, all is fine with counting our blessings that have been stricken with disaster.

But it is an arduous and tiring process...

so very exasperating.