As we approach the end of the year with just a week away from Christmas, I figured it would be apt to do a little rumination and reflection, this time a little more down-to-earth and less airy fairy than other concepts I am inclined to explore and rediscover. Truth be told, the need to do a little self-reflection and put my entire JC life into perspective and summation has been a constant bug in my brain over the past couple of days but my festive mood had rendered me lazy and unmotivated to sit down comfortably and write this piece. Now that I'm restlessly waiting to leave my house for a psychological interview, I guess it is (ironically) time to spark off a little retrospection.

Love-hate relationship.

That is how the past couple of years can be ideally and perfectly represented in just two words. A simple phrase that captures an oxymoron and an emotion, a thought and a feeling; a yes and a no. Now, don't get me wrong--the past two years has been more than just a "love" or "hate" relationship. Notice how the hyphen between "love" and "hate" is in bold. Indeed, love and hate are two contrasting emotions that have miraculously failed to filter themselves from each other and have come together to create experiences marred and mired in conflicting emotions, intertwined with self-gratification and regret. Tertiary education was more than just a simple, orderly chessboard or checker squares. They were not simply black and/or white, but there existed a gradient of colors, the world dancing with shades of grey, a corollary of mixing different proportions of black and white together. And so it does not help that one is born a color-blind, because everything comes off as a blur, and when I first entered this new realm on the same planet, I was overwhelmed by the "black" and the "white" at the same time; the love and the hate resided in me and thus began my JC life.

I guess the main turning point in my life came when drama fluidly entered my life. Drama had always been at the sidelines of my day-to-day doings but it blended so perfectly with who I was and what I did that I took scant heed of it. I had always shown an innate and vested interest in drama and if I had not undertaken the risk in auditioning for Dramafest 2012 at the ostensible expense of compromising on my pursuit of the President's Scout Award, I might not have ended up in the place I both detest and revere at the same time. It is no doubt that one thing led to another and when push came to shove, it was no doubt a difficult decision for me to cast aside my dreams for the PSA (which had always been burning bright until then) in exchange for something new and fresh. And so there was love; and then there was hatred, for betraying my what I was bent on achieving right from the start, and turning my back against my peers and teachers at the breaking point. Perhaps I had always been waiting for an opportune moment to turn down the pursuit of the PSA in view of my fears and pessimism with regard to ASPIRE, and so came along the opportunity to undertake the helm as the chairperson of Raffles Players. It was simple an opportunity then, but it is only in retrospect that I know it shone like gold and no matter how many times I would have to make this choice all over again, I wouldn't alter my decision that I had made just a year ago. Because I love how things fell in place nice, and I love how what I hate only reflects the imperfections that make this CCA family and less so of an ideal haven to seek comfort in.

I hated being in a new environment, forced to interact with a bunch of extroverts (or at least people who were trying to come across as such... I know I was at first). There is some sort of stereotype or expectation, to say the least, that the nature of a drama CCA entails and the nuance of being able to act leaves one to exude confidence and affability to others in a way strangers might feel inappropriate and awkward. It was certainly so for me, a stranger in an entirely new realm, rid of discipline or any form of hierarchy. In drama, everybody can be who they want to be, as per your imagination. So there I was, torn and ripped away from the society and system I was so comfortable with, where simply raising your voice meant that the job would be done with perfection (in other news, there is always the alternative of whipping out physical punitive measures) and certainly-not-subtly flung into a new environment with people I felt uncomfortable with and ostensibly with no rules; no law and no order. It was a dog-eat-dog world but I was a cat, meek and unfamiliar in this new surroundings. But I loved drama, and that love was enough to quell what I hated or disliked at first. And it's really interesting how things seem to unfold one at a time and ultimately bring you to where you are today once you consider things in retrospect. It was uncanny that in spite of how uncomfortable I felt dealing with strangers (much less aliens who made it a point to interact with you) and that I had entered the CCA with the initial intention of showing up whenever I was free (or just felt like it), I volunteered to be a stage manager, and that got me interacting with people, to an extent that I would have otherwise sought to avoid. I guess it was the innate part of me that loves organizing and managing that led to me this new pursuit but again one thing led to another, and I was offered (you could even say placed on a silver platter) with the opportunity to head the CCA even without having expressed an interest to join the EXCO right from the start. And I hated the dilemma. But I loved the outcome. And I loved the things that transpired from there. The various productions that I've been through, the queer nature of residing in the company of 19 other wacky drama students in a tiny black box, and how neatly and appropriately things seemed to fall in place albeit everything could have gone in an entirely new direction if I had just made one different decision. Perhaps I might have been at the Istana a while ago receiving my PSA from the President himself (which I always envisioned to be such a glorious event, and I would whisper carefully into the President's ear that this had always been my dream). But then, I might not have known how it is like to love and hate something at the same time. How you can love and hate people; how you may love certain people and hate others at first, but you only start to realize that it is precisely because these people come across as family and behave as intimately as you would with direct kin that you know why hatred stems naturally as well. And when all things become clear, you love how you hate the imperfections, you love how you might have loved others more than some and maybe things never worked out fine, but there's no reason to hate what happens but to only love what couldn't have been.

It is already tiring just reminiscing about the contradictory emotions that flooded my entire JC life. Of course, I only went insofar as to describe Players (and still barely scratched the surface) but my entire experience has really been a love-hate one. I love how I can come out of the closet with the gayboiz and that 6 years of friendship has transformed us from just scouts to brothers in arms. But I hate how we don't spend that much time together and how different we continue to be in terms of our dreams and aspirations. But I love that we are different and distinct, and how a small group of 6 can bring so much versatility and liveliness. I hated my class for being a bunch of nerds and having gone through 4 years of education as an 'ugly duckling', I was more than prepared to spread my wings and emerge as a glorious swan in a fresh new environment. But I love how things worked out the way they were supposed to, because at heart I am a nerd and it made sense that I was in a class that could appreciate a different kind of humor and I love how blessed I was to find new friends who I could relate to and find joy with. I hate how love never seems to work out for me but I love that I actually got to try it.

And I love how I know that ultimately, JC hasn't just been about a love-hate relationship. It has been about loving what you hate and hating what you love because you can't do it all over again. You love the imperfections and the mistakes that you made because they remind you that you are human and are often a great source for self-reflection or just cracking a joke. And I love my JC life for that. And I hate that I might never get to experience such a meaningful couple of years ever again. But that don't mean I don't love every minute that has passed.

Because when love and hate coincides, you learn to cherish.