I'm back at square one with the emotional sap and quite willingly, I let the sentimental thoughts flood all over me and wash me ashore. The melancholia is really one of the few things that serves as a constant reminder of what I've had. And that's not to say that what was had is now gone to past. Of course, the days spent gallivanting and living life frivolously as a junior player has now ceased to be but the memories of being a part of this family will never die. In many ways, the feeling of emptiness that has just begun to sunk it all over again is like a portrait of my experience, framed up neatly and nailed into my heart, as a permanent testament to what has been and what will come.

Ohana means family, and family means no one gets left behind.

It did take me over half my journey as a Player to realize what I was part of before I had even begun to cherish. Perhaps I started too late and now I'm just too afraid and selfish to let go. I've never always been the most ideal person to lead the CCA but I daresay I have finally grown to be that person. I know now that Players is indeed a family, inclusive of the times I deliberated over my purpose here in the CCA.

Family is about living with a group of people you love and hate. There has to be hate. If you only love, you're in denial. If you only hate, you are just waiting to find love. You need to hate so that you learn and remember to love. If there is anything you don't detest, there is nothing you will look forward to. The quarrels and fights you put up with your family are the intricate pieces that make them whole, and make them yours. A family is unique and not always visible to the judging eye of passers-by. People look on and see a community of rascals gossiping about each other and yelling at each other at the top of their voices; a scene they call it. They know not this is the scene from Act 3, where the climax sets in and if they had sat their asses down and stayed a while longer, they would have been witnesses to the final Act where everybody haves a good laugh and makes merry.

And that is precisely what makes Players the family you always wish you had. A bunch of crazy people running through the stressful times with you and yet ultimately, they are the pillars of support and cushion of love you always seek to find. Even in my moments of introversion and self-seeking solace, I find my heart returning to question about my purpose in Players. And no longer why I was placed in charge, but why I was so lucky to be given this privilege. To watch over your family as they grow and trying to nurture them is all part of the love-hate process and it kills me that I have to leave now.

But know that the portrait of love and the image of my family is forever etched in my heart and mind. It is a memory that cannot be erased nor replaced. Even if we are separated physically,

we are never left behind in this family.