And so begins this lonesome and dreary process. Much like a winter with a bad harvest or an aged man just waiting for death to bid his way, there is hardly any source of comfort with the a harbinger like the A levels. Nonetheless, we are all forced to face this bleak prospect and in the upcoming 3-4 months, there will be nothing but mindless mugging; a man waiting to die whilst suffering in pain.

I have been thinking recently that death is a cruel thing in many ways, more so to others than oneself actually. When someone meets his demise, the people around him, in particular family and friends, will be devastated and certainly feel the repercussions of this lost. And while it might be crude and heartless to say so (granted I am to a substantial extent), I wish not to become a burden when I die. I would like to leave once and for all, for good and less for worse.

It's an ironic hope to want to dead back because frankly speaking, nobody ever wants to look after a sickly person. While love ostensibly takes precedence over everything else, that is not to say one is delighted making a concerted effort to watch over an ill-bodied individual. The fact that doctors and nurses get paid for looking after patients is a testament that humans are innately selfish, love or not. Even the dying are selfish, wishing and wanting to hold on to every last breathe, prolonging the sting of burden set on the people around him. Perhaps that is a harsh perspective to one's final moments in the world but for me, everybody has to leave eventually and I would want to leave without causing any more harm.

Is it not also scary to hold on, because every moment spent conscious and sentient, you wonder when you are finally going to go. Wouldn't it be perfect if you were engaging in a hearty conversation and you just passed out but never know that you will never be waking up again? It's a pity that you won't be able to say your last goodbyes and 'die with regrets' but everybody dies with regrets inevitably.

Maybe I treat death too trivially now as a plain child. Well, hopefully I wouldn't leave for good the next time I have my own hearty conversation.

But honestly speaking, death is but a passing (quite literally) phase of life, and the last at that. So we should live it up and live it good. It is not a waiting process but an end goal we are moving towards. Death is an embodiment of completion and a precursor to a life that awaits after death.