First day of the (unofficial) holidays. Just glad to wake up to the freshness of the morning that is long past the 6am drowsiness. I do know very well that this holiday isn't going to be very much a holiday with the upcoming CTs and a heap of non-academic workload to clear. But that doesn't mean I won't stop trying to make the best out of the month. Kinda excited for J2 farewell albeit it constitutes a large proportion of my commitments but oh wells.

I was just loathing about last night and there was a recurring sentiment wrestling to break free from me. Fortunately or unfortunately, weariness got the better of me but even now, it pervades the barriers of my mind, peering deep into my soul.

Life has changed so much. So much. So much so I miss it.


Please don't get me wrong.I love my life as it is. I don't see how it could have gone better (only worse actually). I'm in such an awesome class because I decided to take Econs (despite my subtle inkling for Literature) and really the friendships I've fostered in the past 4-5 months are deeply-rooted and entrenched in my life. I feel as if I've known them for years despite the abrupt amount of time we've had together. And not to mention my CCAs. I stepped into RJC with the conclusive decision to join either interact/community advocates (it was between either of the service learning groups) but somehow or another, I ended up walking straight to the Players' booth and putting my name down for an audition. And still I retain the friendships of my brothers in scouts, and forging new ones that will soon be cast in stone.

Simply put, I regret nothing.

Less of regret but more of the longing for an idealistic life. I never realized that I was right smack in the middle of one last year and years preceding that. Now with my heavy commitments spread over a spectrum of extremes and the continual war against examinations and academic stress, every decision I make comes with weighty ramifications, and that scares me. Just last night, the ventures (Sec 4s) went out on a night hike to complete a component of the Venture Scout Standard and it made me remember my night hike just 1 year ago. setting off at 10pm and treading into the not-so-unknowns of Sarimbun camp at 7am. Even more entrenched in my memory was our solo walk through the cemetery at an unearthly hour. Those were the days, when I could embark on a night hike without worries, without fears; today, when asked if I would like to join the on the hike, a multitude of emotions starting running through my vessels. The consideration of so many factors--what emails do I have to send out tonight, what commitments do I have the next morning, am I wasting my sleep for happiness?

Tiredness; it kills my once outwardly desire for fun and pleasure. I was the kid who would frolic in the waters of every joyous occasion. Even moments of insecurity may be shrouded by my ignorant hunger for bliss.

Those days were gone. Our days are gone.

We can always make new ones. But I will never forget those days. And to that, this poem (I hope you read it and understand because it relates to all of us):

Blow wind. BLOW!
Blow wind blow.
Doctors, lawyers, bankers--
EVERYONE
is running.


Blow wind blow.
Money, power.
ANYONE
can run.
Happiness?
Someone trips over a foot (it's not my foot!)
The air is still.


Blow wind blow.
The world and all its evils.
Ostensible effect.
Too tiring to continue smiling
Too tired to continue lying.


Blow wind blow.
Blow away our youth,
nostalgic times and suppressed
memories of good
old days.
Acceptance feeds the hungry gales.
It is blown away.


Blow wind blow.
Happiness.
Didn't we do this already?
What is happiness?
SHUTUP!
Another person falls;
breathing ceases.


Blow wind blow.
The facade that we continue to exhibit.
Can adulthood not reciprocate
happiness?
HAPPINESS?
I SAID SHUT. Up.
Down.


Blow wind blow.
Me back to the old days.
The good
old days; please.
Hello?
Is that you happiness?
Blow wind blow!
BLOW WIND BLOW!


Blow wind blow?