On the way home, I crashed head-on to a train of thoughts that shook me. Partially because it was perfect to be adopted as my Showcase Portfolio theme but more so because it summarized the way I operate as a human machine.

In every simplistic community, there are bound to be innately competitive individuals who work hard purely to bask in the light of glory and soak in the dew of victory. These malicious beings creep conscientiously upkeep twin personalities to gain edge over the rest and enshrouded by their sole prize to win, they choose to be who they aren't.

Precisely, many a time, while striving to be who we aspire to be come, we sought the wrong path and our ideas morph. We look backward into the rear mirror, hoping it would point us forward. Unknowingly, we tread back and degenerate over time. We let ourselves fall into the snare of the past because it is so easy. Rather than live in the present and face unacquainted dangers, we could retrace our fallen footsteps and remember the way to victory.

But there are meek compatriots who wander in unknown territory, trying to seek the quavering light. Guided by the precepts of Survival of the Fittest, they tweak themselves to fit into the community, to appear mundane and normal, to blend in with the shadows. But over time, they lose themselves, they lose their past, and they lose direction, blindly following in the footsteps of the "socially normal" individuals as silhouettes.

I've been caught in the center of both kinds of people--those who bring others down and those who bring themselves up (but in fact lower). And in the midst of such an atmosphere, I have found myself trying to be the latter--to fit in and resign to fate. I have tried to break free but it haunts me down.

2 years as a non-GEPer in a class full of such.

2 more years in an RA class with no RA to boot off.

4 years in unfamiliar grounds that irritate my flesh.

But the truth is what irritates the flesh and bones. The skin that I wear, the mask that I hold, is a symbol of resignation. If you can't beat them, join them.