Underappreciated /6:59 PM
I look to the skies, but they offer no answer lest protection that I desperately seek. I look to the seas, and I only hear the wishing whistle of the fishes that shroud the depth of the waters and they too are comfortable where they belong. I inhale the hazy wind, the dancing vapour in the wind gives a mocking ridicule because where I stand unappreciated, no one cares but laughs heartily.
Take joy in my sorrow, because I once said my parents were the best. I cannot deny the incomprehensible warmth that surrounds their presence but times like this, it's hard to grit my teeth and suppress my seething anger to say that they are perfect. So many flaws flood their conscience but parents so easily shove them aside, blinded by our own mistakes and a convenient excuse to shadow theirs. I am not handicapped to these and this hurts me, especially when they refuse to accept such incompetence. Who conferred such authority to them, the power to tower over our rights to question their abilities? They always remind us to have respect, but do the actually have any form of regard for us. Come bleak times they will raise other situations in which they had stepped forth and took the shock for us. But how can those measly chances speak for unending love? I speak no more because it evokes nothing more but deep-seated rage and this corrodes any form of humanity inside me.
Have been rather lost at home with nothing better to do. Sometimes, though really shocking, I desire to return to school with normal lessons. School ain't such a bore. It's only the terror of examinations and the fear of mother tongue that keeps my interest at bay. How sweet it'd be if education were actually a choice in itself, rather than propagandists' art.
Gone back to jog my memory on the 'Chosen One' and He-who-shall-not-be-named, in anticipation of the second-to-last movie! My cashflow is depleting fast and my wishlist is getting much longer. My desire for a Macbook seems kinda distant so that idea has to be scraped for now. I am now setting my eyes on an external hardrive, probably of at least 100gb size depending on its cost. I need one to store all the random games and movies that I download so often.
Running out of digital space.
Running out of life.
Where art thou take me?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
A beautiful ending; A strange beginning /2:28 PM
This is the end. The summation of what was cruel and has finally been conquered and heartily slain. A final report brings good news for this soldier, for he stands rooted to his legend, faithful to his reputation, and he has made a miraculous comeback at the eleventh hour. When the dogs lay asleep, and the gun barrels cloaked in the shadow of the night, a silent messenger, a hidden bringer of light revealed that the tongues of our Mother had surrendered an extra 2 pieces of ammunition, and this has allowed the soldier to complete that one last crucial collection of weapon arms so that he could advance to the next rank. A little late to realize, but never a tad too disappointing for that soldier. Small in stature and clothed in gigantic armor, his deeds are nevertheless rewarding to its fullest and the achievements are but part of the fruits reaped from his relentless determination and perseverance during the hardest trials of life.
This is also the beginning. A conclusion demarcates the start of something new, a reason to believe that an end can only signify change, but change does not equate progress, and progress can be both forwards or slipping into the backwaters, longing for redemption. I find myself overwhelmed by the mixed emotions these past few weeks and I have been swept away by the array of euphoria that bursts forth from within my prison of unhappiness. What deceit it has wrought on me that I have neglected all my other aspects in life. The glorious ambitions I had embarked on before the final test had all been abandoned, the ambition to advance my leadership standards have all vanished, like that vapour in the wind that was blown away before it could take root on a single branch. I feel that this is yet another beginning, that could possibly lean towards any side. I must take action quickly, but the feeling is like a drug, bent on attaching itself to me.
I am trapped in the middle. In a tug-of-war with well-sought jubilation and terribly unnerving guilt.
And why must my past always haunt me. Will she ever evade the presence of my life?
I said I will forget her... I did try, but...
How much more can I ask for? /4:27 PM
Despite the consoling fact that my GPA is going to remain where it has been all this while, save the possibility of scaling a grade higher or even falling one lower, I am rather unsatisfied with the marks that have been appearing on my score sheet thus far. Half way through and satisfaction is wavering along the borderline, as all my marks are. Apart from the saving grace that I had instituted a strong foundation with my CA grades, my EOY results were pretty much a scrape through the average and as true intelligence tower over my embarrassment, I only cowered in fear of the high expectations awaiting at home.
Thankfully, my mother, as easy-going as always, simply took the results with a pinch of salt and reckoned the lack of improvement as a strong sign of consistency which is indeed a good thing. I am only extremely displeased with my Mother Tongue results because I am a more than a stone's throw away from clinching that long desired A2. I need to secure that kind of grade by the end of next year, otherwise it would only spell grave disaster: another year of Chinese that will probably prove to be far worst than the rest. I cannot forgo the many years of suffering in Higher Chinese and this one chance which it presents us to bypass an extra year of torture. But until the new year begins, my heart belongs somewhere else, somewhere less dull, less stressful, more relaxed and just carefree.
I have screamed out my discontent.
Now it's time to refill that empty space with joy. Jubilation to the max!
The crooked smile in the shadowing superiority of the rest: A test of steadfastness, a consolation of under-par achievement, a ridicule in grace
Thursday, October 21, 2010
3 /9:35 AM
The records of 3 ordinary, well not so ordinary in actual fact, friends spending three entire days soaked in a fantabulous time of fun is just really hard to express in pure words. As you float across the oceanic view of the tiny tidal waves that tickle your emotions, you come to accept that there is no picturesque or scenic view that you are screening, but the warm smiles and familiar faces of the closest friends we once were. It has been an entire year since we really got down together and actually had real fun. Previously, it was just Lan, and Lan, and then Macs before Lanning. I never saw the dark side of this addiction until these past three days. Spent playing sports or just hanging low in the pool, it ripped away our stress and chemically bonded our souls as one again. The fights returned, the usual beating but this time, we didn't walk out on each other like previously. There was a draw that kept us close. Many laugh because this friendship is a triangular bond that comes between three very eccentric people, an egg-resembling boy who has no clue what life has to offer, an Indian with limitless boundaries for shame, and a young boy who has naturally fallen suit into this lovely friendship and makes records of it, afraid to lose every moment of it.
Such closeness and belonging seems to last forever. But truly I wonder, when will our friendship cease to flower?
Or shall it not?
I deeply wish so.
Last night our lips met... /1:16 PM
My heart has been burning with excitement for the past two days and I can hardly return to the "flow" in which mugging finally appeared in my dictionary. And now as I effortlessly rub its existence off my word chart (quite contrary to the weeks it took me to get it established), I meet anticipatory euphoria and my wishlist just shot off the chart. So many things to do, so little time. So many wants, so short of cash. I am caught in a whirlwind of joy and hopefully, things will finally settle down as the hectic schedule GTFO of my life :D
YEA!
Finally going to be confirmed--what should my middle name be?
